I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
