Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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