he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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