Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
