He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Why are your pants in the freezer?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
