My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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