i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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