someone threw a dead crab at me
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
