Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
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