my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
