I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
