Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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