the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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