I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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