question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
