Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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