the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
