Have you finally orgasmed yet?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She tied me up with her honor cords...
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
