John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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