If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
