There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
