Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
