just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
