My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
