Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
