dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
