You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
