I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
