I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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