Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
