i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
