Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
