he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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