How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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