Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
