if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
