My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
