totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize