I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
should my penis look like a turkey
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
