i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You can't motorboat a personality
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
