I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
