So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
