Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
