I met the friendliest cop last night
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
