Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
