Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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