I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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