My underwear smells like fireworks.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
it's like heaven, but drunker
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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