I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
