My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
