I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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