we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
