i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
