So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
