Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
