I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
