I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
